Donald Trump’s Scottish Golf course to be redeveloped into a world class shooting ground.
Following year-on-year losses and media criticism for degrading once pristine sand dunes, of special scientific interest into featureless bunkers devoid of wildlife, investors have decided to cut their losses and seek a brighter future by switching from golf to clay shooting.
The new development, to be re-named the ‘Trump Universe Range in the Dunes of Scotland’ (TURDS) will include a cigar room to rival that of the Holland & Holland Shooting Ground and a gun room catering to the top echelons of the shooting market. It comes with the full backing of the Scottish Government.
First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said “I’m delighted to see golf give way to a more manly pass-time, one which will restore some respect and kudos to an area badly degraded by the sight of overweight men in plaid jumpers.”
The rapid about-face has taken many by surprise but those close to Trump say that it merely highlights the former president’s ability to see a business opportunity before the rest of the world catches on.
Speaking through his newly appointed UK public relations company, Monty Media, Donald Trump said ‘I have never really liked golf and am actually a world class clay shooter myself, easily beating George Digweed, Richard Faulds and Ben Husthwaite at the recently held (behind closed doors) Trump Inaugural Pro-Am Sporting Clays Tournament. A lot of people are calling them ‘losers’, I’m not, but many, many people are, including me. It’s true, believe me. They lose. Bigly.’
The new look layout is expected to open in early October 2021 with Prince Andrew officiating and handing-out prizes for the Under-Eighteen Ladies Challenge Cup. Eric Prince will award the Blackwater Trophy for the competitor who shoots the most stationary clays in a minute with a Benelli Black Eagle and former Sheriff Joe Arpaio will officiate in the construction of a ‘glamping’ area for members of the foreign press.
Trump has already announced that the World FITASC championship will be held at TURDS, in what will be re-branded as ‘Trump’s Wingshooting Artificial Target Spectacular’ (TWATS). Bookmakers are already taking bets and Russian competitors are currently hot favourites in all categories.
New Executive Vice-President Nathan Little has been charged with overseeing a total re-vamp of the facilities and has vowed to make it the most progressive and inclusive clay shooting club in the country. “I’m thinking Versace-themed, gender-neutral toilets, extensive use of pink and purple tweed in the interior lounges and every visitor will receive a complimentary hands-free massage from one of our interns. I’m super excited that Dolce and Gabanna have agreed to design a range of shooting vests, hats and gloves, which we are sure will be best sellers. We hope MAGA hat lovers will soon be swapping them for TWATS hats in the spirit of Donald’s new venture. The messages are, essentially, compatible.”
The announcement of what will soon be the biggest and best clay shooting ground in the UK is already sweeping through the shooting community with widespread support from some but trepidation from others. Rhoddy Richmond Watson from West London Shooting School called it a ‘massive blow from TURDS’ and Former FITASC champion Ben Dover told The Daily Mail ‘FITASC will, for me, never be replaced by TWATS).
Away from the UK, Sean Hannity, on his Fox News show, said “The world can only watch in shock and awe as former president Trump continues to confound critics and libtards in the mainstream media with his brilliant, unpredictable and amazing winning mentality. This is a big win for Trump, and TURDS will be his legacy. I’m pretty handy with a gun, though my own is quite small, and I’m first in line when the president starts recruiting for TWATS. I’ll see you there”
All media enquiries to be directed to TURDS Press Secretary April Foley, not later than mid-day today.
Published by Vintage Guns Ltd on (modified )
